Honestly, thanks for yelling, and I’m glad you feel comfortable to yell here.
This kind of shit is exactly what fancops are missing when they try to shut down and censor fiction, assuming that they know why and by whom it was created.
This is a journal entry from last night, edited for clarity and to not point fingers at specific people, but at ideology. I was really angry. And I try not to show that anger on this account but I think, at least this time, it’s important and drives the point home. General content warnings for talking about trauma, harassment and victim blaming.
I know it’s not relevant now, now if you’re being yelled at by somebody for writing/ making art of something “problematic” they’re more likely to be anti-recovery, and tell you to quit therapy or whatever you use to help yourself altogether and instead find a cult “group” that can help you find a coping mechanism that doesn’t make them uncomfortable! Either that or accuse you of not being traumatized at all. Because no “actual” trauma victim would ever do anything to makes them personally uncomfortable!
But back in my day, as I saw this whole thing start, if you said that you used fiction as a coping mechanism, they would demand you to out yourself as a survivor to them like fucking cops in order to gatekeep if you could write fiction or not. I saw people pour their fucking hearts out in posts saying how specifically they were traumatized and why the fiction they consumed helped with that trauma. Even going to far as to psychoanalyze themselves to try and be given the freedom and pass to ship without getting harassed.
In the end though? It doesn’t fucking matter. I don’t need to be a victim for other people to mind their own fucking business and curate their own goddamn experiences. Outing yourself as a survivor makes yourself VULNERABLE. It gives other people the ability to not only attack and harass you with said trauma, but also allows them to doubt your story and victim blame. It is nobodies fucking job to scrutinize and check what another person can and can’t do in fucking fiction. And in the end, it didn’t actually matter if you were a victim or a “dirty freak” in their eyes because you still got harassed. And they could never even handle the fucking thought that you could have fallen under both categories in their false fucking dichotomies. And frankly? Nobody is fucking owed that type of information at all, especially to use that sensitive information to categorize and gate-keep people from being able to do whatever the fuck they’d like in fiction freely.
I’m angry, I’m so upset at how much information people gave up in order to try and stop harassment campaigns against them. When the answer should have always been “it’s not ANY of your damn business, so fuck right off to the hole you crawled out of.” It should have never fucking come to this point where people had to give up whether they were a victim or not, when there are no sources or anything to suggest that fiction impacts reality to the degree that antis think it does. The burden of proof lies with anti’s and anti’s only.
If you see this is posted, It’s because I got fed up with the fact that these fucking people were able, ALLOWED to ask this shit without being fucking reprimanded and told to fuck off like they should have been. And that their movement has moved the goalposts from “I need to see your survivor card to determine if you are allowed this freedom.” To “this is unhealthy in my unprofessional opinion and I am going to harass you for it even though its not any of my fucking business in the first place, and it’s only because I personally find your existence and your coping mechanisms disgusting.”
…Did you just first off invalidate being trafficked?
Did you know that human trafficking causes severe issues like BPD (which I have), chronic trauma/PTSD, drug addiction, sex addiction, suicidal ideations and attempts, self harm, alcoholism, unplanned pregnancy, STDs? like the list can go on.
Google “effects of human trafficking on victims” and I’ll wait for you.
Who the fuck are you to say what I can and can’t be effected by?
Aside from that I had trauma irl and online as a minor. You’re just not privy to that info. I don’t owe you shit.
You really think because I don’t delve into the full details about my trauma it means it didn’t happen? Do you have object permanence issues or smth?
something bad happened to you, and you died, and you came back wrong.
not wrong all the way. the little ways. you forget important dates, stopped going out with friends. it’s harder to make you smile. you’re apathetic towards things you used to love, afraid of places you used to go to cheer up. quieter. flinching. different.
you came back for love. you’re still here for love. what pulled you back was a brightness so loud that even death couldn’t outshout it. death heard the call and smiled at you and said okay. go home. somebody is waiting for you.
but you came back different. like lot’s wife; you’ve turned into salt. you used to chirp through life in hops and skips; but now you lose skin just standing up. you have to move slower, skimming across this world without-touching-it. most things feel dull – until they’re suddenly all-too-much. life, and being alive just rushes up and over you and you get hopelessly crushed.
you try to explain it to them: it is ugly, but this is what you are, now. the huge golden hoop of your halo now a little bronze ring. you are still watering your plants and wearing the same clothes. after all, you worked hard to come home. this life; so odd and off-color, now that you are wrong.
but they waited for you – it’s just that they wanted the “you” that happened before this. the “you "that could sing in the show and hug people tight and look at a blade without breaking down to cry. the you with a smile in pictures. god, holyshit, it’s like looking at a completely different person, isn’t it. that other-you; the one they actually wanted.
you are the consolation prize. you are the body that forgot the ghost. you are the memory of the bad thing, and the death after; like you are wearing that memory as a banner. you are a fragment, an assembly. simulacrum. you don’t make eye contact in mirrors, afraid the light will glance off and your true nature will flash back at you.
you hear them talk about it in their hushed, desperate whispers. sometimes they even admit it to your face; harsh and violent, acid thrown at christmas dinner. god, can you just fucking be normal again. you do not remember what normal is. you had to climb so far to get back here; you are far too exhausted.you want to open the glass door of your heart and show all the gears. can you help resolve whatever got messed up?
you try so, so hard. you came back for them. because you believed they would love you, even when you were so horribly broken. because you believed they would be patient. because you believed unconditional meant "without exception.” you cannot do things the same way. you just get tired too quickly these days.
you want to put them on a couch and pour them the tea with hands that shake more than they remember. you want to line them up and draw them a map of where you have had to wander. you want to show every bruise in a backsplash; the little helpless ant of your soul carrying all that weight, over and over. you want to say: yes! it is different! but i did it for love!
you want to say: “i’m not the same, but i’m yours and i’m here. can that be enough?”
Hey anon, it’s Harry. Thanks for sharing this with me.
Honestly I can relate, personally, because I also prefer to write my own fucked up ships as sweet and happy. I enjoy a lot of shipcest, and I am ONLY interested in loving and consensual shipcest relationships.
Other people in the system like much rougher content, dubcon, angst, but personally I really only like fluffy content even when it’s between screwed up people in a screwed up relationship.
Everybody has different preferences, and everybody comes out of their trauma with a different reaponse.
No matter what antis say, please listen to your therapist and keep enjoying the fiction that makes you feel better, anon. You are not doing anything wrong.
